What Makes a Cool Girl?
Cool girls: may we know them, be them, and love them
What is the elusive “cool girl”? And how do we know if we are one?
Everyone wants to be her, know her, dress like her, and be perceived as her. But what is a cool girl and what is it about her exactly that makes her cool?
I posted a Tiktok about this and didn’t expect for so many people to be interested in this topic. It got me thinking more about the cool girl phenomenon in general. What is cool? Why do we care? Am I cool?
As long as I can remember, I wanted to be cool. Growing up, I’m pretty sure almost everyone does. My older sister and cousins were decidedly cool. Many of my friends were “cool.” Me? Almost never. I was too shy, cared too much, and had a nasty case of resting bitch face that still persists today.
I was the girl who was very passionate about politics and women’s issues before I could vote, loved AP English class and actually read the books, and, as class president, loved telling people what to do! And before you put too much stock into the class president thing, I ran against only one other person to get elected. It wasn’t a very desirable position at my school!
Shy in the wrong situations, too loud in others, and overall unapproachable … . Not a good combo when you are trying to get people to like you at sixteen.
I want to preface that I don’t look back on who I was as a teen and hate myself or my personality. Many of these traits that defined me are still part of who I am. In fact, I admire that there were parts of myself I did not try to alter within the strict environment of conformity that was my high school.
As an adult, the meaning of cool has changed. The way I present myself, the people I want to be friends with, and the people I admire have shifted.
And not just for me! Internet culture has dictated new and different versions of cool in recent years which are a lot more diverse, inclusive, and based in authenticity.
Being considered cool may not have appealed to you when the definition was the mean cheerleader archetype. But, once you leave high school, being cool is about so much more.
Gone are the days of coolness being defined by a pretty face, a repertoire of snarky comebacks, and a curation of trendy clothes and exclusivity. The classic Mean Girls or Gossip Girl portrayal of high school and popularity has evolved to take on a range of different personalities and aesthetics.
It has evolved past a man’s wet dream of someone who will never put any expectations or pressure on them. Someone who will never act in their own self-interest or have typical “girl” hobbies. Someone who is basically a man, but who is not a man, who is in fact a stunningly beautiful woman, so men can feel good about wanting to fuck them.
I’m here to tell you that women have reclaimed the meaning of the cool girl!! Finally!
And, honestly, thank god. Being cool actually means something again.
So let's dissect who this new cool girl is!
I believe the best evolution of the elusive “cool girl” persona lies in the inclusive leader: a girl who is confident, fun in an authentic way, and a girl’s girl at heart. She's hot and she knows it but it is not what she leads with. She is herself, doesn’t care what people think of her, is willing to put herself out there, and is supportive of the people around her. She is kind in a genuine way and leads with that authenticity always.
Think Zendaya, Chriselle Lim, Yara Shahidi, Reneé Rap, Zoe Kravitz, Olivia Rodrigo, Sophia Riche. Or whoever pop culture icon you think is cool!
It is becoming more common to think of people who are themselves almost unapologetically as cool. Not even in a serious alt way either. Just someone who is who they are and they don’t pretend to be anything different. The person who is not seeking validation from those around them, but is quick to dole that out to thepeople around them.
Think of the people you admire, are drawn to, and appreciate in social situations. I’m willing to bet that these people made you feel included, interesting, and fun. People who somehow made an impact on your day or night even in the smallest of ways: a tampon in the bathroom, a compliment on your lip gloss, an interesting conversation, a person who got everyone up and talking or playing a game at a house party.
What we can learn from this is that being well-liked isn’t about being trendy, pretty, skinny, having a romantic partner, etc. It’s about being authentic and kind mostly.
So you want to be a cool girl? Here is the recipe:
Stay authentic and true to yourself even when its hard
Give compliments freely! Never keep a kindness to yourself.
Bring the energy when needed
Match the energy when its brought
Limit your complaining in group settings/at social events
Support other women
Make people feel included
Care less about what people think of you
Lead with kindness
Wear what you feel good in
Talk about your passions and hobbies more
Don’t gatekeep
Help a girl out when you can
Still don’t care? Honestly, good for you!
For the rest of us plebeians, we care too much what people think about us. It is what it is. While there are ways to limit this, it’s very hard to fully separate yourself, or the idea of yourself, from society's expectations and rules.
At the end of the day, we care about being cool because it’s one of the simplest forms of social approval. It's a badge you can wear that says: People like me!! I’m interesting! I’m Fun! Huzzah!
Only, it means more when another girl bestows the “cool girl” title on you because they genuinely like you and connect with you.
And earning this stamp of approval is so much easier than you think. Being who you are will attract the people who will vibe with that and admire it. Couple that with some simple actions of kindness and, voila, you are now officially a cool girl!
Welcome to the club.
I love this.